By Yoana Tosheva | @yoanatosheva8
the same grief / a different day
I’m feeling like everyone’s messy child but without the joy / only the spilled milk or sharpie drawings on the walls /
no one has held my hand in so long / and the squirrels in the front yard chew so loudly / and my mom is always clanking pots and plates in the kitchen so there’s never any silence /
when another version of you left like it was so easy to there was a sinking pit of regret in my stomach / and my heart shriveled up like a dry sponge /
I was still surprised but without reason because the leaving is predictable like the seasons / or a creeping loneliness / or rain in April /
I don’t notice the smell of the smoke anymore / you know /
but it clings to my jacket / and my hair / like an old kind of sadness / and my brother crinkles his nose / and my friends worry /
and I can’t stop because it’s an exercise in sacrifice / and what’s a little death / if it means a clear head /
Futile Endeavors (I think I'm still)
I think I was asleep walking home from the party /
I think the party was real but it was also a symbol for my mistakes /
I think your lips were rose petals that turned into thorns /
I think the line could have been powdered sugar for my pancakes in another lifetime /
I think I deserve better but I don’t know where to look for it /
there are broken countries / and glasses / and eggshells inside of me / and I still haven’t named them / I still haven’t swept them I still haven’t thrown them in the dustbin / or tried to glue them back /
I just run my hands through and through like it’s some sea glass /
I’m still sitting on my front porch chain-smoking cigarettes like you might pull up any minute now /
I’m still listening to the same song on repeat like I could maybe possibly stop all of time until you’re ready /
I’m still waiting and you are already so far away /
Painful Daydreams
You are splitting me open like cracked watermelon on the sidewalk /
Like picking off the peeling wallpaper /
You’re moving like it’s so easy to cut through thick ice / or all this tension /
You know I don’t care what you think / I don’t need you /
Yet I like to entertain what it would be if I did /
How easy we’d fit in your car / how simple it would be to love you /
But you know these are only daydreams
///
I looked directly at the sun today /
That kind of blinding light remains visible when you close your eyes / even minutes after /
And the tattoo on my sternum was a living breathing thing /
And the wind is no home / but rather / another traveler /
Or perhaps a stray dog /
That can lick your scraped knees for a single bone / and leave you alone /
And the trees are rioting in the front yard / even though the sun is out /
They no longer wish to be rooted / and I never have been / so it’s something we have in common /
And you are all radio silence / but I can never stand the quiet /
Not with a heart like this /
